Ending the silence

Prior to my stillbirth

I was working long hours,

Doing as much as I could, cause,

In my heart this was all soon coming to an end


So now I was laying in home on bed rest

Not working, free from the overwhelm

Yet felt so overwhelmed


I was given permission to lie down and not do anything

Wow a break from the constant rushing around

Did this make me feel relieved? Happy? Freedom?

No in fact, I was laying in bed wishing to be back in the hamster wheel that I was familiar with


While it appeared that I should be relaxing and enjoying

As I had just got a “get out of jail” card

The truth is I was so filled with fear and anxiety that every moment felt like an eternity

Every moment was one that I had to face

Every moment was one that reminded me that I was not safe

Every moment that made me question if baby was ok

Every moment I felt guilt, watching my partner run around and do everything

Every moment I wondered is this the end?


The end and the beginning


The end came when I least expected

At 38 weeks, I celebrated that we had made it

And on that exact day of celebration

She chose to soar with her beautiful angel wings

She died in my womb, I was rebirthed

It was the end of our dreams

But the start of ones we had never dreamed off


To the mama who is/has been on bed rest I want you to know

That I feel you, I see you

That I know how lonely it feels even though your loved ones are right there around you

That it’s ok to not feel relaxed

That of course you would not feel safe

That your protective mama bear instinct is super activated

That the fear of losing your baby may rob you from the joy of acknowledging his/her presence in your womb


To the mama who has witnessed a loss, miscarriage, still birth, I want you to know

I hear your silent cries

I feel the tightness and pain you are feeling in your heart

I see you crying in the middle of the night

that what you feel is real

that a loss is a loss, no matter at what stage you were in your pregnancy

it is a loss of dreams and hope of how you see your family grow

it is a loss that is worthy of acknowledgement!


As for me in the now,

yes there are times when grief still visits

and I welcome grief and allow the tears to cleanse me in ways I will never know

and yes in my heart I will always carry her

she is my angel

she is my gateway to my journey of living in the now, of slowing down, and for that I am eternally grateful


Ummul Patrawala is a yoga instructor and facilitator of The WOMB Healing Circle at The WOMB: The World of my Baby in Milton, ON. She is a mom to 3 wonderful and active boys and a former marketing executive. Ummul has grown up with yoga and has been actively sharing and teaching yoga to her own kids and within her community since 2010. She is currently preparing a program called Birthing into Motherhood – a prenatal yoga and mindfulness childbirth and parenting preparation class.

@ummulpatrawala on IG, https://www.facebook.com/groups/consciousmotherscommunity

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