Ending the silence


!

( )

,  

, ,

!

 

Prior to my stillbirth

   

 

 

me like

   

 

 

   

 

aby

  that

 

 

 

 

 

 

,  

 

3

, 

, 

 

 

I was working long hours, 

Doing as much as I could, cause, 

In my heart this was all soon coming to an end

 

,

 

31  

,

 

 

on  

 

So now I was laying in home on bed rest

Not working, free from the overwhelm 

Yet felt so overwhelmed 

 

I was given permission to lie down and not do anything 

Wow a break from the constant rushing around

Did this make me feel relieved? Happy? Freedom?

No in fact, I was laying in bed wishing to be back in the hamster wheel that I was familiar with 

 

?

 

While it appeared that I should be relaxing and enjoying 

As I had just got a “get out of jail” card

The truth is I was so filled with fear and anxiety that every moment felt like an eternity 

Every moment was one that I had to face 

Every moment was one that reminded me that I was not safe 

Every moment that made me question if baby was ok

Every moment I felt guilt, watching my partner run around and do everything 

Every moment I wondered is this the end?

 

The end and the beginning

 

The end came when I least expected

At 38 weeks, I celebrated that we had made it

And on that exact day of celebration

She chose to soar with her beautiful angel wings

She died in my womb, I was rebirthed 

It was the end of our dreams 

But the start of ones we had never dreamed off

 

 

To the mama who is/has been on bed rest I want you to know

That I feel you, I see you

That I know how lonely it feels even though your loved ones are right there around you

That it’s ok to not feel relaxed 

That of course you would not feel safe

That your protective mama bear instinct is super activated

That the fear of losing your baby may rob you from the joy of acknowledging his/her presence in your womb

 

To the mama who has witnessed a loss, miscarriage, still birth, I want you to know

I hear your silent cries

I feel the tightness and pain you are feeling in your heart

I see you crying in the middle of the night

that what you feel is real

that a loss is a loss, no matter at what stage you were in your pregnancy

it is a loss of dreams and hope of how you see your family grow

it is a loss that is worthy of acknowledgement!

 

As for me in the now,

 yes there are times when grief still visits

and I welcome grief and allow the tears to cleanse me in ways I will never know

and yes in my heart I will always carry her

she is my angel

she is my gateway to my journey of living in the now, of slowing down, and for that I am eternally grateful

 

Ummul Patrawala is a yoga instructor and facilitator of The WOMB Healing Circle at The WOMB: The World of my Baby in Milton, ON. She is a mom to 3 wonderful and active boys and a former marketing executive. Ummul has grown up with yoga and has been actively sharing and teaching yoga to her own kids and within her community since 2010. She is currently preparing a program called Birthing into Motherhood – a prenatal yoga and mindfulness childbirth and parenting preparation class. 

@ummulpatrawala on IG, https://www.facebook.com/groups/consciousmotherscommunity

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