Prior to my stillbirth
I was working long hours,
Doing as much as I could, cause,
In my heart this was all soon coming to an end
So now I was laying in home on bed rest
Not working, free from the overwhelm
Yet felt so overwhelmed
I was given permission to lie down and not do anything
Wow a break from the constant rushing around
Did this make me feel relieved? Happy? Freedom?
No in fact, I was laying in bed wishing to be back in the hamster wheel that I was familiar with
While it appeared that I should be relaxing and enjoying
As I had just got a “get out of jail” card
The truth is I was so filled with fear and anxiety that every moment felt like an eternity
Every moment was one that I had to face
Every moment was one that reminded me that I was not safe
Every moment that made me question if baby was ok
Every moment I felt guilt, watching my partner run around and do everything
Every moment I wondered is this the end?
The end and the beginning
The end came when I least expected
At 38 weeks, I celebrated that we had made it
And on that exact day of celebration
She chose to soar with her beautiful angel wings
She died in my womb, I was rebirthed
It was the end of our dreams
But the start of ones we had never dreamed off
To the mama who is/has been on bed rest I want you to know
That I feel you, I see you
That I know how lonely it feels even though your loved ones are right there around you
That it’s ok to not feel relaxed
That of course you would not feel safe
That your protective mama bear instinct is super activated
That the fear of losing your baby may rob you from the joy of acknowledging his/her presence in your womb
To the mama who has witnessed a loss, miscarriage, still birth, I want you to know
I hear your silent cries
I feel the tightness and pain you are feeling in your heart
I see you crying in the middle of the night
that what you feel is real
that a loss is a loss, no matter at what stage you were in your pregnancy
it is a loss of dreams and hope of how you see your family grow
it is a loss that is worthy of acknowledgement!
As for me in the now,
yes there are times when grief still visits
and I welcome grief and allow the tears to cleanse me in ways I will never know
and yes in my heart I will always carry her
she is my angel
she is my gateway to my journey of living in the now, of slowing down, and for that I am eternally grateful
Ummul Patrawala is a yoga instructor and facilitator of The WOMB Healing Circle at The WOMB: The World of my Baby in Milton, ON. She is a mom to 3 wonderful and active boys and a former marketing executive. Ummul has grown up with yoga and has been actively sharing and teaching yoga to her own kids and within her community since 2010. She is currently preparing a program called Birthing into Motherhood – a prenatal yoga and mindfulness childbirth and parenting preparation class.
@ummulpatrawala on IG, https://www.facebook.com/groups/consciousmotherscommunity
